? Do you prefer one of your children over the rest
Although some parents consider the idea of having or having a favorite child in the family as unrealistic and non-existent, and most parents openly refuse to admit that they prefer one of their children over the other, the truth is that many parents have a favorite child. This was proven by a study that examined 384 families with more than one child, and found that 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers showed preferential treatment towards one child over the other.
"Psychologically it makes sense to develop a stronger relationship with one of your children, especially with someone who looks a lot like you, simply because parents are human beings, they are drawn to supportive and like-minded people," says Hockemer, a professor of family and social relations from the University of California. However, while favoritism or discrimination between children can cause lasting harm, it does not make you a bad parent, nor does it mean that you love the other child any less. So, don't flog yourself if you have a favorite child , but keep your actions in check and make sure your children know you have boundless love and support for all of them.
Tips to overcome the child's favorite idea
1. Admit your feelings to yourself
It can be uncomfortable to admit (even to yourself) that you are more attracted to one child than the rest. But pretending it doesn't happen won't change the way you feel. When you deny what you're feeling or pretend it's not happening, you may unintentionally display favoritism. If you admit (to yourself) how you feel, you can take steps to make sure all of your children feel loved and accepted without identifying one of them as your favourite. In addition, there is nothing to be ashamed of, because favouritism, or the tendency of parents to favor one child over another, is perfectly normal, when such favouritism does not affect parenting towards other children. So, let go of the guilt and remind yourself that it is normal to favor one child over others, and make an effort to foster bonds with other children as well.
2. Spend time with each child
Because your favorite child may be similar to you in hobbies, speech and way of thinking, it may be easier for you to spend time with him playing or discussing without the need for planning or thinking, because spending time with a child whose interests are different from you may require time and effort, for example, what If your child likes to play a sport, you don't understand it? Or that he likes to discuss some fictional or historical stories that you do not understand very much or do not like to discuss? In these cases, you will need to step into your child's world and proactively create opportunities to learn how to keep up with him and discuss him to have fun. Even if you don't like your child's favorite sport or game, you should work hard and create opportunities to connect with him and show him that you are interested and ready to do the things he loves, and plan some ideas that can make him happy and feel important to you. Allow him to have some control over your activity. Also try to spend a few minutes each day with each child. Show a positive and genuine interest in the time you spend together to ensure everyone feels loved and appreciated.
3. Make the rules and the results fair
Apply the rules to each child, and be careful not to give your favorite child exceptions or extra perks without even realizing it. For example, if your favorite child forgets to do a chore, you might say, "Everyone forgets to do things sometimes." But when another child neglects his or her routine, you might say, “You have to be more responsible, I can’t always remind you to do your due diligence.” Here you are not intentional or that you love your favorite child more than the other, but you may not realize what you did. For this, always pay attention and remember that the rules are equal for everyone, taking into account the age of the child, you do not apply the same rules to a four-year-old and a 10-year-old. Likewise, the consequences must also be age-appropriate , eg a four-year-old may be kept in his room for four minutes, while the punishment and time are not the same for a ten-year-old.
4. Praise everyone for good behavior
You may find yourself complimenting your favorite child more often. But it is important to commend good behavior from all of your children. For example, say, “I appreciate that you started your homework before I had to tell you,” or “Thank you for waiting patiently until I finish my phone call,” praise him for the specific behavior you want to reinforce, i.e. instead of saying “Good job.” or "You're a good kid." Say, "You were really nice to that kid in the park today when he fell, and I was so happy to see you try to help him." And if you have a child who behaves more kindly and wisely than others, try to find a good behavior for the other child that you can praise him for, this will make him feel satisfied and make him do good deeds, and he will know that you appreciate his behavior and pay attention to his actions, and he will reduce his fear of the idea of your preference for another brother.
5. Avoid comparing your other children to your favorite child
While it is helpful to praise certain behaviors of your favorite child, be careful not to make him an icon of comparisons, for example, saying things like “If you act the same way as your brother, I will give you some candy” or be like your brother X and get up early.. your X brother is good at math Be like him. Comparing your children sets them against one another, and creates an unhealthy dynamic where you will be accused of choosing the best.
6. Tackling concerns head-on
One of your children may confront you by saying: You love So-and-so more than me or prefer him to me. Do not respond to him and deny this thing and say that it is not true, because this response is ineffective, but you can discuss the matter with him to find out why he feels instead of ignoring those fears and just denying them. Explain to him that you love them all the same and do not differentiate between them, in the end they are all your children and their success and happiness from your success and happiness. And show him the facts, for example, when he tells you that you give his brother a phone and he doesn't have one, you can tell him, "I know you think it's not fair for your brother to get a phone and you don't, but he's older, and he's shown me that he can take enough responsibility." to handle the phone. Or you might say, "I know you're mad because your sister gets more time to play games every night, because she does her homework right after school, so she gets more free time at night."
7. Be honest
You can simply think about what the kids are already seeing, for example, “I know you think I like your brother more because we spend a lot of time together, but we both like working on cars, so we spend time together in the garage, and if you want to join us, you can at At any time we would be very happy to have you join us, and we can help you and teach you a few things about cars." Or ask him to suggest some activities he likes to do together.
8. Explain why you are attracted to your favorite child
If you're really attracted to one kid and the other kids notice, admit it, and show them the truth of the matter, for example, "You and I have similar personalities, but that doesn't mean I like her more or that I don't like yours, it just means we have a lot in common." that we can understand and share.”
9. Let them know you love them all
Reassure everyone that you love them and that a close bond with a sibling does not diminish your love for others. Explain that just because you get along with a child better doesn't sometimes mean that you like that child more. Emphasize to all of your children that you love them very much and that you love none of them more than the rest. Check the validity of his feelings and show him that it is difficult to feel this way and that you understand very well what he feels, and that you are also sad to know that he thinks or feels this way and that you will work with him to correct some things.
10. Point out to others that they would prefer one child over anotherThere may be times when children's uncles or grandparents treat one child differently from others. Point out to them kindly and explain that what they are doing may hurt the feelings of the other child. However, do not resist the urge to compensate by showing more attention and affection to the other children, as this may make things worse and reinforce the feeling of discrimination in the other child. Instead, talk to adults when children are not around, and explain what you're seeing and why you're concerned. If a parent is doing this, you may need to suggest activities that they can do with the other children. Or offer strategies to show interest in each child. And if it's a grandparent, you may need to set boundaries if he's not listening to you. This may mean that their favorite child cannot always go with them on special outings without the rest of the siblings, and each child should have a special outing. Or it could mean encouraging grandparents to attend all children's activities, not those of a favorite child.
11. Get professional help
Showing favoritism towards one child can be very harmful. It may not only affect children who feel less fortunate, but it may also affect the preferred child. Research shows that its effects may last into adulthood. One study found that siblings who said their mother preferred or rejected one child over another were more likely to develop depression in middle age. Showing favoritism can also affect your children's relationships with one another. They may never establish healthy fraternal bonds, a deficiency that may persist into adulthood. And if you're struggling to avoid showing favoritism, or you're accused of doing so and don't know how to respond in a healthy way, seek professional help. You may also get help if your partner shows favoritism for one child and doesn't want to do anything about it. A therapist can help ensure that you create healthy family dynamics.
Conclusion:
While you may feel uncomfortable, having a favorite child is not a betrayal of your other children and is not something you should be ashamed of. However, it is important to create a loving environment in which all children feel cared for, supported and appreciated. So, instead of ignoring your feelings, accept that you are attracted to one child more than the rest. Then, use this fact to make things right with your other children. However, if you are having a hard time managing your feelings and helping everyone else feel equally loved, seek professional help.
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What to Do When You Have a Favorite Kid
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