For parents: Phrases that you should not use to compliment your children and do not say in front of them
Phrases that should not be said to children
Praising a child , to make him positive, is necessary for his upbringing, but you must be careful in what (and how) you say, as you may think that by many expressions of praise to your child, you will teach him self-confidence and self-respect, but their effect may be counterproductive if they are not appropriate, and cause him to rebel against you. You, in the following, Dr. Muhammad bin Jarsh, an Emirati writer and researcher, warns you against some phrases, so that you should consider their results before praising your child with them.
1. “You are so smart!”
According to child development experts , the goal of praise is to encourage positive behavior. But mere intelligence is not a behavior, and children do not view it as something they can control. So praising them for this is not useful, because children - and adults - usually believe that intelligence is something innate and fixed, and if the school curriculum is easy, then he will be smart, and if it is difficult, then it will not be! They will find that your statement causes frustration for the child . It can be overcome.
What you have to say
“I am very proud of how hard you work in mathematics, or I am proud of how hard you work in a language skill. This tells the child that success is due to the effort you make.” Then, when children encounter difficulty, they are more likely to work harder to achieve children's success rather than give up; Because he is simply not smart enough.
2. “You are talented at drawing.”
"You are talented at drawing"
You may think that his artwork is beautiful, but praising him in this way will not encourage him to consider the opinions of others, which may be negative, which will undermine his self-confidence.
What you have to say
To avoid unintentionally discouraging the child, say to him: “Continue your efforts on your project,” or “I see you used a special color to show the waves.”
By displaying the details of the painting, you learn to produce more and more paintings, with greater effort and precision in drawing.
3."You're a good boy!"
Praising a child for being good makes him believe that this is an inherent quality in him, and has nothing to do with his actions, so he believes that he is either good or bad. Your child is not always good, and your statement will make him think that you are deceiving him, and he will try to be perfect in front of you. Simply put, he will take advantage of you.
What you have to say
“I liked this behavior of yours in particular.” Instead of evaluating him as if you were making the child perfect as a whole, this makes him feel that you are looking at his behavior, which varies between good and bad.
4. “You are so beautiful!”
A mother compliments her daughter: “You are very beautiful.”
The mother usually notices her daughter's appearance, clothes and hair more than she pays attention to the boys, so it seems natural for you to say your statement, but this is evidence of your gender bias. This is the message that the girl receives. Namely, it must be attractive, to have value, or you may spend a lot of effort trying to look pretty, instead of focusing on the child's skills and other more valuable interests.
What you have to say
“I like your hairstyle this time...but the other dress is more appropriate.” And regarding her beautiful face, say: “Glory be to the Creator, you look like your grandmother or aunt, for example.”
5."Great job!"
With this phrase, which parents repeat, the child is waiting for continuous reassurances from the parents, and is waiting for the task of praising him to be carried out, as his motivation to improve his behavior stops, because he is satisfied with himself, so why should he make a greater effort?
What you have to say
If your children help you make cakes in the kitchen or set the table, say: “You did a good job of organizing the table,” or: “You have become better at baking cakes,” that is, identify what they have mastered, then say to them, “Thank you for the help.”
6. “You are the best!”
Praising a child always puts him under pressure
Even if your child is the best, although it's not very likely, telling them that can put a lot of pressure on them to feel like they always have to be the best at what they do, which is an unbearably high standard, which can also lead to negative consequences. It is the opposite, and teaches the child to limit his focus to the play and sports activities that he knows to excel at in order to keep you “deceived” by him.
What you have to say
“You were great with the team, you are completing a successful cycle,” and that is better than talking to him personally and comparing him to others. It is a more effective and realistic method.
7. “Your effort is invaluable.”
Know that when your child is a weak or insincere speaker, or worse, a cynic, he may realize this, because he imagines you to be more honest, and believe it or not, he may become depressed . You are not helping him realize his abilities, unless he becomes arrogant, and here is the problem. Larger.
What you have to say
For example, if he sang horribly at a talent show, you could say, “I'm so proud of how brave you were to stand up in front of everyone — and you remembered all the words!”
Let your praise be a way to reinforce his good morals, as you will help him become a more successful adult.
Do not underestimate the words that a child picks up, as he has the intelligence to interpret them as well. What if he interprets them negatively? This means that he will bear the burden of this word or information and will act on the basis of his incorrect understanding!
For parents: phrases that you should not say in front of your children
The father also makes mistakes when he directs phrases to his children, or utters phrases that he believes are spontaneous and will go unnoticed, but in reality they are harmful, they may frustrate the child, and cause him pain and anxiety among the children , and they originally belong entirely to the father himself, Dr. Muhammad bin Jerash Parents are advised to avoid these five phrases that affect the child’s personality and perception.
1. “We will never afford this expense.”
“We will never bear these expenses.”
This phrase relates to the financial aspect, so do not insist on saying it in this form just because money is holding you back. Instead, show your children that you are in control of your money. If your child wants to go to Disney World and you don't have the money.
You can say: "We can't buy tickets because they're not in our budget this year." Next, keep in mind that he should learn to save money from his pocket money so that he can save for a trip to the amusement park.
2. “You make me so angry.”
Know that it is important to remain calm and resist the urge to blame your children. By staying calm, you are teaching your child that we all have the ability to control our emotions, and that it is up to us to manage them in a healthy way.
You can say, "I don't like it when you do that," and then explain why. It is important for children to understand how their behavior can affect others. This will encourage them to be more aware of their feelings, instead of acting selfishly.
3. “I hate my job”
"I hate my job"
Let's say you've had a stressful day at work and just want to go home and unwind with your partner. It may seem harmless because you haven't spoken to them directly, but keep in mind that children pick up these messages. Know that complaining about your job in front of your children teaches them that work is not fun. They may grow up believing that when they grow up and work, half of their lives will entail living in complete misery.
You can say: "I have other career options that may be more suitable in terms of time and pay."
4. “Should I go to the store every day?”
When you say you have to do something, whether it's running an errand or going to dinner at grandma's house, you imply that you are being forced to do things you don't want to do. They will think this applies to them going to bed at a specific time or refusing to eat the vegetables they are forced to eat.
You could say, "I don't feel like grocery shopping today, but I want to make sure we have food in the fridge for the week" or "I'm tired, but we told Grandma we'd go to her house. And I want to keep my promise."
5. “Everything will be okay”
You have to make your son understand that he is like a key player on his sports team, but convincing him that everything will always be okay will not make him ready for the future. By doing so, you teach him that there is always a happy ending. Teach him to be strong enough to deal with unpleasant surprises in life. By coaching your children and guiding them through difficult times, they will be better equipped to deal with things that don't go well in the future.
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