? How do you learn assertiveness and assertiveness
In the face of others, people are divided into three types of people; The first category is passive and cannot say “no”, the second category confronts people violently, and the third category is the balanced, assertive and self-confident type.. How do you acquire the skill of firmness, decisiveness, self-confidence and self-assertion.
* ?What is packages
Psychology (firmness and assertiveness) is defined as the extent to which you are able to trust yourself and express what is inside you without resorting to violence, and assertiveness is a healthy way to communicate and strengthen human relationships, as it reduces stress and anxiety in life conflicts and gives you psychological and social support to face the difficulties of daily life .
For example, saying the word "no" firmly and politely in front of the requests of others gives you a way to avoid crowding your daily schedule with what you can't stand or what you don't want, and it enhances your balance in life, and your good understanding of the meaning of assertiveness and self-assertion can help you face difficulties in dealing with friends, family , and even colleagues at work more easily without exaggerating things or exacerbating problems. It can also outline human relationships without exaggeration or tension. There may be a belief that assertiveness and confronting others with the truth of your feelings may cause repulsion and division, but the truth says the opposite, on the contrary, it helps to closeness and solid friendship.
* Is firmness an original or acquired trait?
Assertiveness is usually not an inherent quality. It takes a little education and a lot of practice to acquire, and its difficulty is that it attempts to balance extreme violence with extreme passivity; The types of people in general in this regard are either negative or violent, or the third person who tries to balance between them, and this is what we are going to talk about in this article, which is the firm and balanced person.
Images of assertiveness and patterns of assertiveness
- talking about how you feel and saying what you really want to say without equivocation.
- To have the ability to ask whatever you want or whatever questions you need without being shy.
To object to something politely.
To give ideas and suggestions without fear of blame.
- To say the word “no” completely in yourself and not feel guilty or fear its consequences.
To support another person without fear of criticism.
* But why is assertiveness and assertiveness important?
The assertive personality pattern and self-confidence are among the important things for healthy human relationships, and human relations problems often appear if there is a very violent personality or, on the contrary, very negative. This manifests itself whether it is work, family or friendship.
* Examples of assertiveness and self-assertion
To clarify the matter more, we can give you some imaginary examples to understand more what we mean:
Mona is a good person who does not bother anyone , when her friends go out with her, she does not force them to choose a specific place, and her friends may ask her which restaurants she would like to go to to eat.. She delegates them To choose and respond to their suggestions, as she is afraid of even saying her opinion or what she would like to do, and she may be annoyed for others to impose their opinion on her. They do not care about what she says, and may even raise their voices to impose their point of view, which makes them affect silence.. Mona is a very negative personality.
As for Ibrahim, he is someone who has no problem expressing what is inside himAnd he uses his loud voice to control the dialogue sessions out loud to impose his point of view, and he usually interrupts others, and rarely listens to another point of view, and if you disagree with him, he easily tells you that, but he usually tells you in a negative way, such as making fun of your opinion or making you feel frustrated. Highlighting your bad opinion, and he has a reputation among those around him, whether family, friends or acquaintances, as a person who loves leadership and has little sense.. Ibrahim is a very violent person.
When you ask Laila about her opinion on something, she gives you her opinion with complete honesty, and when she disagrees with you in opinion, she tells you this, but in a polite way and does not make you feel inferior to your opinion and does not feel sorry for you from your point of view, and she is interested to know your point of view even if you disagree with her point of view, and she loves To listen to the opinion of others, and even though they differ in opinion with you, they respect you and appreciate your point of view.. Laila is a decisive and self-confident person.
Mona is negative and shy with time, she may feel internal anger and resentment, and she may even tend to isolate and do not like to show her feelings and thoughts to others, so others do not understand her and her problems and prevent them from sharing her thoughts, and she also feels frustrated and loses self-confidence little by little because her opinion has become indifferent And she no longer gets the positive support and compliments she deserves for her right thoughts and opinions.. All of this may lead to depression.
In the case of Ibrahim, with time, he will lose many friendships around him, and many will avoid dealing with him, because he gives his opinion boldly, violently and loudly to impose his point of view, and little by little others will change around him, and they will begin to raise their voices and impose their opinions, which corrupts Relationships, and group sessions are poisoned, and become a place of conflict and quarrels rather than a place of chatting, sympathizing, and exchanging views, and the violent person usually loses empathy, respect and even the love of others.
But why doesn't everyone become like Layla? It is a matter of personality, it varies according to the environment in which a person grows up and the experiences he goes through, and we are undoubtedly the same, we are influenced by others and we learn from them - especially those who are older than us - how to be negative, violent or assertive, according to the experiences we are exposed to.
Mona may have been affected by the negative spirit of her lack of confidence in herself and her opinions , or because she is very anxious and loves to please and make others happy, and is always afraid of dissatisfaction or approval from those in front of her, and she is excessively sensitive to the opinion of others about her and how they look at her, and she is embarrassed and afraid of criticism, so she Safety takes a toll and becomes more passive, and it's just that she doesn't try to learn to be assertive, and she doesn't practice being assertive.
As for Ibrahim, he may have been affected by the fact that he had high confidence in himself, or that he always focused on his needs and affirmed the correctness of his opinions and did not fully care for others, so it appears that he did not learn how to respect the needs and opinions of others, or he was not educated to listen well to those in front of him.
As for Layla, being assertiveSomething that she may have acquired or trained in her personality, she has self-confidence, believes in the importance of her opinion and ideas and always highlights them and expresses herself, and she also has the skill of dealing with criticism, rejection or exclusion by others, as well as she respects the preferences and needs of the other party, and often She has a role model and a role model that I have learned from.
*Two real-life examples of applying the difference between passive, violent, and assertive behavior
1) Situation One
Someone cuts off the queue at the supermarket and takes a spot in front of you, which they don't have the right to.
- Violent behavior
You imagine that he did this on purpose, and you can say to him with anger, "You idiot, this is not your place. You have to go back and stick to the line."
The negative behavior is
to keep him in his place before you in class and do not try to interfere.
Being assertive
is imagining that he may not have noticed a class and politely telling him, "Please, this is my place in class."
2) The second situation.
Your chatty friend calls you to tell you about her bad day, and unfortunately you do not have much time for such conversations.. Your day is full of tasks that you have to complete.
- violent behavior
To get angry because your girlfriend does not respect your time, and interrupt her sarcastically by saying, "Stop talking about your problems, I also have enough concerns and problems."
The negative behavior
is to make your friend go ahead with her conversation, no matter how long it takes, without interrupting her, and you think that she needs your help; While you are the one who suffers from wasting your time and being late in completing the tasks entrusted to you, whether it is study, family or work.
Being assertive
Listen to her for a minute or two, and then talk to her in kindness and genuine sympathy in your tone of voice by saying, "Oh my God, you seem to have had a really hard day, and I wish I could talk to you longer, but unfortunately I'm in a hurry." My command, I have important things to do today. We can talk later this evening."
Five steps and some general tips for learning how to be assertive
1) Be realistic about what you hate, and don't make judgments
when you comment or talk about the behavior of others about something you hate or an behavior you don't like. Criticize the behavior itself or judge it as negative or not, for example:
- Situation: Your friend at university arrives later than you agreed for an interview (2:00) where you have a limited time-out between two lectures (2:00 to 2:00). :30), and you'll be back for the next lecture at 2:30.
Wrong behavior: to tell him that you are a bad person, do not keep your appointments and are always late, or that being late is a bad habit.
Correct and assertive behavior: Tell him, “We were supposed to meet at 2:00, now is 2:20.”
2) Be accurate about the effect of this behavior on you (do not make judgments or exaggerate the matter)
You have to be realistic in describing the effect of an behavior that you do not like to someone on you, which is a good start for you in practicing assertiveness and self-affirmation, and your realism basically means that you do not exaggerate You describe the action, title or judgment of the action, just describe the effect the action has on you.
An example of this is from the reality of the previous situation:
- Wrong behavior: I wasted my rest time between the two lectures.
Be assertive: I've been waiting for you since 2:00, now it's 2:20 so I'm going to spend less time with you because I have to catch up to the next lecture at 2:30.
3) Use "Message I"
It's simple, using the word "you..." at the beginning of the sentence as you speak puts you in an offensive position, and makes the person in front of you in a defensive position, and thus you become more prone to making judgments on people, and while you start it with the word "I..." the focus is more on the side Your feelings, and what bothers you, and affects you from the actions of others.. Therefore, blaming others becomes less important in return for focusing on how you feel about what bothers you from actions, and this reduces the defensive position that the person in front of you takes to defend what he committed of the behavior that annoyed you , and makes him feel more responsible for the troubles or damage he caused you, so the issue moves from his side and yours towards a positive point, which is an attempt to avoid repeating it again and seeking to find a solution, for example:
- “You message”: “You have to stop doing this.” ".
Me message: “I wish you could stop doing this.”
4) Put it all together in this equation
There is a nice and simple equation that can solve it, and combine everything we talked about:
“When you feel something about (act of others), say that you feel (talk about your feelings about this).”
When you talk about your feelings in a realistic way, free of judgments, intimidation, or loose headlines, this equation gives you the best, shortest, direct and non-offensive way that makes others take responsibility for their actions because they affect those in front of them, for example, if you say: "Your loud voice makes me panic." or “Your scheduling makes me nervous and bored.”
5) You have to record the actions, results, and feelings.
It is another equation that is more complex than the previous one because it includes the result of the actions of others, so the equation becomes:
“When you feel something about (realistically explain the behavior of others), then (talk about the result of the action), and then how do you feel about it (talk about your feelings about this).”
To give examples of this:
- “When you come in late, I have to wait and waste a lot of my time, and it makes me bored and nervous.”
"When you tell my children that they can do something that I have forbidden them to do, it shakes my image and my authority in front of them as a father, and I am upset that I am undermining my standing before them."
6) General Tips
- Make sure you have a confident posture as you speak: keep your posture upright, look others in the eye, and don't get nervous or agitated, there's nothing to fear.
Use a firm, yet loving and friendly tone of voice.
Do not claim to know the motives and motives of others, especially when you think that they are negative personalities, and you have to listen to them carefully.
When you're in a discussion, don't forget to listen and ask questions. It's important to understand other people's points of view.
- Try to think of the logic of achieving win-win for both parties: you can reach a formula of understanding through which you can achieve your needs, and the needs of others at the same time.
Read more about healthy communication skills, common mistakes and how to avoid them.
Benefits of assertiveness and assertiveness in relationships (especially in teens)
1) Teens become less likely to be bullied
Young adults and teens who are able to say words like “No,” “I don’t like it,” and “You should stop doing this” to express what They are less likely to become victims of bullying compared to teenagers their age who cannot say such words and act assertively. It can be difficult and stressful to face bullying, but acting assertively is an ideal way to confront it. They can also face peer pressure (when your peers try to influence or "pressure" you to do something you don't want to do).
2) Young people become less violent
If your daughter understands how to ask others for help or how she can communicate her feelings to others, she will resort to less verbal or physical violence, and on the contrary, she will be able to express her feelings in a positive and socially intelligent way using highly respectful words.
A child who can say "Please stop doing this" cannot hit someone in front of him to prove his opinion or force his point of view.
3) they can communicate for their needs
. Communication with peers, parents, or a responsible person becomes more effective if the young person is assertive; Being assertive reduces indirect communication, such as asking someone else to pass a message in hidden ways or dealing with back rails, but allows him to deal directly, frankly, legally and in a polite way, and makes you sure that your son will talk directly even with those who hate him, instead of gossip and sarcasm With a friend about this.
4) For healthier
relationships, assertive relationships help build mutual respect, whether at the level of friendship or romantic relationships; Assertive relationships help young people highlight the pain they experience in human relationships rather than digest their rights.
5) Prepares them to resist their tensions
The process of learning how to assert and developing this quality in young people helps reduce their stress level; It is certain that the young woman who can ask her teacher or teacher about a specific topic in the lesson, this reduces her tension or fear of not understanding this lesson, and it also helps them to solve problems instead of dealing with them negatively, which prevents the exacerbation of these problems or crises.
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6) Helps them assert themselves
. Over time, when young people and adolescents talk about themselves and their feelings, they become more confident in themselves and their feelings, and therefore more opportunities to act decisively, enabling young people and adolescents to speak will inevitably bring positive results.
7) Less demand for revenge and revenge
Negative people are always more vulnerable to emotional injury, psychological abuse and anger, especially when they are bullied, and therefore they are closer to revenge and act violently later, while assertive young people in relationships possess a balance that makes them able to highlight their problems clearly and act firmly towards them .
8) The ability to understand feelings
Assertive communication pushes adolescents to stop and think about their feelings, and this makes them more developed and mature later in the understanding of themselves, and with the increase of their emotional intelligence, they have the ability to develop strategies to deal, and keep up with these feelings.
9) Acceptance of individual responsibility
An assertive person can ask for help, talk about his needs, and tell others the truth about his feelings, so this assertive young man does not walk among people blaming them for a negative feeling inside him. Thus he is conscious that if he wants something or has a feeling within him, he tells others about it and it becomes his responsibility to find the solution, not to blame the circumstances and others.
10) They can resist peer pressure.
Teens who can express themselves can easily say no to something they don't want to do; For example, they can refuse friendships or romantic relationships because they are uncomfortable with the other person, and they can resist peer pressure when they try to persuade this teen to drink alcohol or take drugs.
How do you teach your children the skills of assertiveness?
You have to explain to them the difference between assertiveness and violence.
- Allow them and enable them to choose and bear the result of their choices without excessive blame, and their promises to bear this responsibility.
Make sure they can say no to something they aren't comfortable with.
- You must confirm in their minds that they have rights that they enjoy, and that your son is not forced to do everything or accept any unwilling choice.
- You should strengthen the sense of self-esteem, self-assertion and self-confidence, and that your daughter can make the appropriate decision.
Allow them to express their feelings honestly without fear, shame, or fear of anyone.
- Train them on assertiveness and non-violent and non-negative behavior at home and in their daily lives since their childhood, and you can do some representative scenarios to bring the picture closer to them.
- Be a role model for them in non-violent and non-negative behavior, as their vision of a firm personality represented in you will be the best example and role model for them.
Notice how you respond to their requests. As a parent, you can refuse any request from the boys easily, but if you want to train them in assertiveness skills, you should slow down and think before making a decision. Constantly rejecting their requests and suggestions may create a negative or violent child.
- Instil in their understanding that asking for help is not a bad or defective thing, because assertive people can ask for help without shame. .
Resources:
Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps
Assertiveness
How Assertiveness Assertive Communication Skills
How Teaching Assertiveness Can Prevent Bullying
Reduce Stress With Increased Assertiveness
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