7challenges that hinder the upbringing of a psychologically resilient child
On the surface, it may seem that today's parents have easier than ever before to raise a child who is closer to psychological well-being; At least they don't have to go to the river to wash clothes; It is clear that contemporary society has provided many advantages that make it easy to keep children healthy, but at the same time, this digital world we live in makes it difficult for parents to raise qualified children to face life's challenges.
Raising children to become senior officials is a task that requires psychological resilience; Here are some of the reasons that make possessing this psychological flexibility difficult for today’s parents:
1. Happiness is the goal
Everything that surrounds you of things and people tells you that the goal is to make your child happy, and you may find yourself panting to collect the things that make your children happy because you believed that " Happiness is the goal.” But if you consider that your children’s happiness is the primary and only goal, you will find yourself allowing them to eat tons of ice cream, for example, or allowing them to spend 24 hours a day in front of computer games .. This is the momentary happiness for them; But in the long run this temporary happiness will make their lives miserable.
As parents, we have to realize that happiness is a big and important byproduct and not a goal in itself, so it is important to focus a fair amount of your effort on teaching your children skills that will not necessarily make them happy at the moment, including self-discipline, and controlling impulsivity, regulating emotions; These are the skills necessary for long-term happiness.
2. Social media ignites competition between parents
Most parents want to share photos of their children while they are enjoying family vacations, while they are participating in sports, or while receiving awards for academic or sports excellence.. Most parents want to brag about their children on Facebook, Instagram and other social media; But the result is that instead of taking in your very own joy with your family, you become busy showing off your kids and competing with other parents for likes, comments and shares. They have these special sons.
Of course, it is difficult for you to share a picture of your child expressing his “gratitude” or “overcoming his self-doubt”, and even if your child is kind and affectionate, you usually will not pay attention to these qualities and will not seek to emphasize them in your child, but you will fall into the trap of searching for his last tangible achievement To brag about it in front of your friends on social networking sites, and in this frantic competition, your online activity turns into a competition to prove that your child is the "best" of children, but the mental upbringing of our children needs something completely different.
You need us to help them become the best versions of themselves, and each of our children is unique; Our greatest misfortune in raising our children stems from comparing them to others. The deep meaning behind the "comparison" - even if it turns out to be positive in his favour - is that I accept and love you conditionally, and our children - like all human beings - are most in need of acceptance and unconditional love, and at one point in their early years we are their only source for these needs. .
3. Most parents are not flexible and psychologically strong.
Whether you are from the eighties or younger than that, you have often grown up with the idea that children need someone to look at and not need someone to hear, and often your parents did not sit with you to talk about your feelings.
Most of the families of upbringing stressed the importance of obedient children, and did not give the same importance to listening to the children’s opinions. Yesterday’s parents did not have the psychological strength to pass it on to their children and give them a positive role model for them. If you are not trained in how to develop and manage healthy self-talk, and if you do not learn to regulate your emotions, it will be difficult for you to teach those skills to your children.
4. Mothers - and sometimes fathers - today are in the children's orbit to prevent and protect them from failure
If a child forgot to do his homework 25 years ago, it wasn't a big problem; All the kids forgot their homework sometimes; But once parents enter the battlefield, kids stop making mistakes because their parents won't let them fail; Where it means not completing homework - or forgetting basketball shoes, for example - means your son may fail and be left out of the competition; It is what you refuse and do not accept to allow.
In the midst of this conflict, parents forget that natural results are the greatest teacher of the arts of life, and that it is important to allow our children to experience failure and setbacks, as this is the only way that will teach them the most important lessons of life, which will help them to move forward, and here we can liken failure and setback to the return of the bow back to be able to push the arrow forward and higher in times to come; The more severe the retreat, the more powerful the move forward and higher. This means that we first need to accept our weaknesses, mistakes and failures and stop being perfect, which helps us to be a good role model for our children.
5. Parents’ shame incites their exaggerated fear of people’s judgments of them
People are quick to make judgments about other parents' choices these days; This is a Facebook friend who blames parents who do not feed their children organic fruits or who choose this type of education for their children (national, international, home, school, etc.), or we find someone writing a comment saying that a celebrity divorce will scar children for life, and other things That raises the shame of parents and urges them to do unreal things to avoid feeling ashamed of the way they raise their children.
Parental shyness is a real problem, and no one wants to face this kind of scrutiny.. Nobody likes to have their movements and gestures under the microscope all the time, and in an attempt to avoid this fatal feeling of shyness, many parents change their habits, and instead of allowing a pre-school child by getting into a tantrum because he wants candy; Parents may have to give the child what he wants to make him stop crying; Instead of allowing the child to get bad grades or fail the exam, parents correct their children’s homework. These choices that parents choose to avoid their own shyness and escape judgment from others make little difference in building the child’s psychological resilience.
6. Marketing Companies Feed on Parents' Guilt
Advertisements will tell you you're a good mom; As long as you buy your kid certain toys, and you're a terrible parent, as long as you take your kids to a particular park, and companies teach that parents feel guilty about not spending enough time with kids, not giving them every possible competitive advantage, not giving them all the things they need to be happy, so They take advantage of this feeling and make you easy prey to sell you things that you and your children don't need.
Whatever these things they sell to you; Whether it's a lot of food, a lot of toys, or a lot of time on electronics, many busy parents are more than their children; They shower their children with material gifts in an attempt to relieve their feelings of guilt, even temporarily, but the only losers on the ground of this battle are our children; Everyone has gained except for them.. the companies doubled their profits.. and the feeling of guilt among the parents was temporarily relieved.
7. Technology prevents the opportunity to build muscles of psychological resilience
Children used to search for ways to deal with their uncomfortable feelings, such as feelings of boredom and frustration, but modern technology has made them get used to escaping from their feelings through the use of digital devices.
Kids stuck in front of screens means they don't have to learn self-soothing skills or deal specifically with their anxiety; Because they have found the easiest alternative, the alternative is to escape to games or use social media as they perceive it to help them regulate their emotions; In fact, it does not help or protect them, but only helps them escape.
Here we would like to stress that the task of today's parents may be more challenging than ever as they need to be more proactive to ensure that their children learn the social, emotional and cognitive skills they need to succeed in life.
Finally, the starting point is to build the parents' muscles of psychological resilience.
The additional challenges of today's world make it more important than ever for parents to be mentally and psychologically resilient. This requires developing healthy habits that help you, and it also requires giving up bad habits that can hold you back.
As for how we can train our psychological resilience as parents? This will be the focus of our discussion in future articles, but it is important to remember that our quest to become more psychologically flexible will bring us many basic rewards and additional rewards, and the most important basic reward is to live flexible and have psychological flexibility that enables us to face the many challenges of life effectively, and the most important An added bonus is that your children are more likely to be psychologically resilient; enabling them to manage life stress, problem-solving skills, and deal with challenges; And all this is done by watching you and by being a real model that is not artificial.
Morin
A. 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success. New York, NY: William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers; 2017.
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